One thing I’ve noticed in the work that I do with my clients is an underlying theme of
“I need to be grateful”
Needing to be grateful despite whatever else…
Despite how someone is making them feel…
Despite if something isn’t working…
Despite knowing they need something different…
Despite feeling unsafe…
Despite it all…
However, It’s important to recognize that there’s space for both wanting and needing more for yourself and being grateful for what you already have. Both can exist simultaneously.
One does not negate the other. Expressing that you need more doesn’t mean you are ungrateful. It also doesn’t even mean that you’re complaining.
Often when I talk with clients about their childhood experiences, family dynamics, work life, romantic and platonic relationships, etc — they express feelings of discomfort or lack of fulfillment.
It can be difficult for us to acknowledge or accept that we may require more from the people in our lives in fear of taking up too much space or “being a burden,” another common theme that I see with clients.
So, instead of being curious about these feelings and asking ourselves reflective questions…
…we may immediately shift into “let me be grateful.”
Don’t get me wrong, the practice of leading with gratitude first is wonderful and something we all could benefit from by having as a regular practice. However, we have to be mindful of engaging in this practice to the degree that we downplay and invalidate our own feelings and experiences while simultaneously amplifying feelings of guilt and shame.
When we buy into the “but let me just be grateful” narrative and use it as the emotional compass for our lives, we indirectly tell ourselves that what’s important to us doesn’t matter, that our feelings about things don’t matter.
It says that putting ourselves last is okay, which then becomes the standard in our relationships, and prioritizing ourselves first is selfish. We indirectly, and sometimes directly, tell ourselves that we should just accept what’s given to us by others without question.
It also creates difficulty with being able to communicate our needs directly. We may even find ourselves falling into people-pleasing tendencies and constantly shape-shifting to be everything to everyone.
This is starting to sound familiar, isn’t it?
If any of this resonates with you, then you know how exhausting all of this is on a consistent basis. It is a big task and ask to try to “just be grateful” all the time.
It is important to remember that
The most important relationship we will have in this life is the one with ourselves.
If we aren’t expressing our standards, boundaries, or expectations that honor this very important relationship, how can we expect others to know how to meet our needs?
Gratitude doesn’t mean that you can’t voice your true desires or express dislike for something.
Gratitude doesn’t mean you always need to put on a happy face and pretend like everything is okay when everything is not okay.
A part of healing is accepting all of who you are, which includes how you show up in the world, your wants, needs, desires, likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams, and everything else.
Another part of healing is recognizing that your needs and wants will change as you grow and evolve, and you will continually evolve as you move through life, and that’s okay! It’s actually more than okay, it means you are human.
What you needed last year may not be what you need now. Heck, what you wanted or needed last week may not be relevant to what you need this week. All of this is normal and a huge part of the journey we’re all on.
Know that asking for what you need is an ongoing (and very important!) conversation to one, have with the people in your life and two, need to be revisited many times over.
When we refuse to acknowledge or ask for what we need, we do ourselves a disservice. We are left feeling heavy, unsupported, unheard, and invalidated. The people we interact with are not mind readers, despite our strong beliefs that they “should” be.
We have to learn how to use our voice and speak up for ourselves instead of hiding behind gratitude.
Is it difficult and uncomfortable? 100%!
Can there be pushback or resistance? Sure, maybe.
But which of the two sounds like the better option: accepting less than what we deserve or want from the people in our lives and pretending to be okay with that OR learning how to prioritize ourselves, ask for what we want and need, and *actually* be fulfilled?
So instead of “just being grateful” instead you could try:
- Being curious about these feelings and ask yourself questions such as…
- What do I need right now?
- How do I get this need met?
- What would make me feel better about this?
- What is this emotion trying to tell me?
- …Introspection gives us insight.
- Journaling about what you’re feeling and needing prior to trying to have a conversation with someone else about it. When we
get crystal clear about our own needs and wants before sharing them with another it helps us to feel more confident expressing ourselves in the moment.
- Affirm for yourself why what you need or want isn’t unrealistic or requiring too much from someone else. Not only will this help you with validating your own feelings (as opposed to looking to others to do it for us), it will also help mitigate any feelings of shame or guilt that may arise.
For some people, these steps will be transformative and for others the feelings of shame or guilt will prevent them from taking the next steps towards a more nuanced understanding of gratitude. This is where therapy can be pivotal.
There is so much courage and strength involved in honoring ourselves first and foremost and sometimes we need the help of a mental health professional to support us in getting out of our own way to make these necessary steps. We can help you learn how to hold space for asking for more and being grateful for what you’ve already been given without one cancelling out the other. We see you and we want to support you as best as we can.
If you are ready to explore how your concept of gratitude impacts your life and relationships, then let’s start the journey together.
The Worth, Wisdom and Wellness Center provides Trauma & EMDR therapy, Therapy for Perfectionism and Low Self-esteem, Therapy for Anxiety and Depression, and Faith-Based Therapy to Black women and Women of Color. You don’t have to wait any longer to heal. We are here to help.