Loneliness is an experience that many of us go through. It may look different for each person, however, the feeling is typically the same. Some people feel lonely because they have little to no family and/or friends. Others may feel lonely having plenty of friends and family around, but they don’t feel understood, supported, thought of, or close to them.
In other words, it isn’t always the quantity of people, but the quality of people around.
The varied experiences of loneliness may leave us with a few questions…
Is there something wrong with me?
How do I find quality people?
What do I do with my time alone?
What’s considered “normal” loneliness?
Let’s first think of what is a typical level of loneliness versus a level that is concerning. As stated earlier, most people can likely speak to what loneliness feels like. They may describe it as a level of solitude that feels uncomfortable or saddening, feeling misunderstood, or like they are different from others.
One noteworthy aspect of loneliness that I find important to discuss is how self-isolation or withdrawal, which is a symptom of depression, can impact our experience of loneliness. Due to general anxiety or social anxiety, we can self-isolate as well.
These are the important differences that mental health professionals look for to determine if someone meets the criteria for a mental health diagnosis. With depression and anxiety, choosing not to engage with others tends to feel more comfortable than putting the energy towards getting out of bed and attending that get-together with friends. With depression, you’ll likely experience other symptoms such as sadness more days than not, crying often, a level of worry that is excessive and impacts your day to day life, and/or other symptoms.
Now, this does not mean that just because you don’t always feel like going somewhere that you are clinically depressed or anxious. As always, please leave diagnosing to trained professionals.
Being aware of your behaviors and feelings can simply be helpful in recognizing if you should speak to a professional for support.
Spending Time Alone
When it comes to spending time alone, our experiences vary tremendously. It is common for people, especially those who identify as introverts, to find spending time alone as their opportunity to “recharge” their social battery. Other people thrive when spending time with others and find being in social settings as a “recharge.” This is key to keep in mind as this may frame how you view spending time alone. With that being said, whether you believe you are an introvert or extrovert, how that time alone is spent can shape how you view it as well.
While the following tips are meant to help you find ways to improve how your time alone feels, it does not take away from the fact that loneliness does not feel good. Additionally, self-love is an amazing thing and feeling loved/supported by another person feels great too. It’s an experience that we cannot create on our own. However, the alternative of focusing on what is missing can amplify the loneliness. That is why I am going to talk about how to cope with loneliness by making the time with yourself more enjoyable as well as some ways to find more connection with others.
Solo Dates
If you are feeling lonely because of your dating life or you have all of these places you want to go and no one to go with you, could you push yourself to go alone? Solo dates have become more commonly discussed over the years, especially on social media. Many people take the opportunity to date themselves as a means of manifesting or setting their dating expectations. This concept includes believing that, if I can buy myself flowers twice a month, go out to eat every Friday, and set time aside for myself (for example) then when someone comes into my life I’ll have similar expectations. I know what I like and what makes me feel loved.
You have the opportunity to make this fit your budget and schedule. Solo dates do not have to be expensive or time-consuming; it’s the intentionality behind them that matters. So get dressed, put on your favorite perfume, and visit that restaurant you’ve wanted to try. Visit the museum you haven’t been to yet or hike the trail you saw online. And when you’re comfortable, maybe make it a goal to talk to at least one person while you’re out. There doesn’t have to be an expectation attached (i.e. becoming friends, going on a date). It could just be an opportunity to socialize.
Is it fair to you to put the things you want to do on hold because other people aren’t around?
Improving Your Space
If you are going to be spending time alone, why not make your environment one that you enjoy? Shifting around the furniture in your space is an example. How about redecorating? That can allow you to feel like it has been refreshed. Or you could simply start by adding a plant or a new candle. If you do not live alone, is there a space in your room or home that can be solely dedicated to you? When the space that we spend our time by ourselves in is relaxing, appealing, or tailored to us then we are less likely to feel as low while in it.
What can you do to make your home more enjoyable?
Hobbies
Now that you are going out and have a nicer space to come home to, what else can you do with your time alone? Are there any hobbies you have been wanting to try? Are there activities you used to do, but got out of the habit of at some point? Hobbies not only take up time, but they can be things you ultimately benefit from as well. Depending on the person, turning a hobby into an extra form of income may be helpful. However, it is still important to have an activity that is purely for enjoyment or relaxation. When it essentially becomes a job, it may lose that effect.
Self-Growth & Reflection
Personally, I am not a huge believer in coincidences. So from this perspective, time alone isn’t necessarily a punishment or a bad thing. Regardless of what your belief system may be, this solitude may be intentional. It could be an opportunity for you to take a moment to pause and reflect. How am I doing on my goals? Is there anything I can work on healing from? Is this a chance for me to just rest? Where can I continue to grow?
When we take the time to pour into ourselves, whenever a new friend or love interest comes into our lives, they’ll either be a better fit or we’ll be able to recognize why they do not fit into our lives sooner. Either way, we benefit from using time alone to improve ourselves.
Resources
With the benefits of spending time alone being highlighted, let’s look into some ways for you to begin building your support. As mentioned before, solo dates give you an opportunity to strike up conversations and possibly meet new people to spend time with. However, it is understandable that it may feel overwhelming for some people. There are a couple of resources that I share with clients who want to build more connections. As always, use your discretion.
- Meetup.com: Founded in 2002, meetup is “a social media platform for hosting and organizing in-person and virtual activities, gatherings, and events for people and communities of similar interests, hobbies, and professions.” Many of the groups are tailored to specific interests and even personality types.
- Atl_friends on Instagram: Atlfriends is a newer group that hosts events for individuals in and around the city of Atlanta who are looking to build new friendships. Similarly, take a look at the suggested pages that also pop up when you follow the page. There are numerous groups that have a goal like this one.
- Bumble: Bumble is commonly known as a dating app. What you may not know is that it also has a friend feature where you can meet and connect with other individuals who are also trying to build their social network.
- Joining a gym or networking group: Whether you are already physically active or open to being active, there are countless small group training sessions, fitness classes, hiking groups, etc. around Atlanta. Not only do you get the perks of engaging in physical activity, but as you become a regular, you are repeatedly in a space to be around people that may be similar to you. The same could be said for joining groups for professionals in general or in your specific career field. Bonus point: Talking about the class or group is a built-in icebreaker for whenever you want to start a conversation with someone.
Taken together, loneliness is a common experience for many if not all of us and it will look different based on the person. At the same time, there is something we can do about it. Using the time alone to have solo dates, revamp your space, get into hobbies, and self-reflect/grow can make it feel less uncomfortable and daunting. You could also spend some of the time exploring new ways to build new connections through groups like MeetUp and AtlFriends, an app like Bumble, and classes/organizations such as a gym or networking group.
Lastly, if any of this feels difficult to you or you worry that the loneliness you feel goes beyond the typical experience, you may benefit from speaking with a mental health professional. Together, you could get to the root of your loneliness, develop a plan to navigate it, and have them hold you accountable to it.
The Worth, Wisdom and Wellness Center provides Trauma & EMDR therapy, Therapy for Perfectionism and Low Self-esteem, Therapy for Anxiety and Depression, and Faith-Based Therapy to Black women and Women of Color.
If you are located in the state of Georgia and interested in starting your healing journey, you can follow any of the steps below.
- Contact us to schedule your first session and learn more about our services.
- Review our About Us page to learn more about our trauma trained providers.
- Review our FAQs page to learn more about therapy at our center.
We look forward to being a part of your healing journey.