In our post about Being Freed from Perfectionism, we discussed how perfectionism isn’t really what we tend to think. It’s not just about doing everything “right.” That is the surface layer. But it is also about there being an underlying lack of worth and value.
We posited that: Perfectionism at its core is an issue of worth. Perfection tells you that you have to prove that you are valuable, worthy of love and affection, and deserving of praise. And the only way to “prove” that is by doing more and more and more, but never giving yourself credit because then that could lead to complacency.
At its core, perfectionism suggests that
Worth is based on unrealistic expectations for self.
So let’s unpack that a little further.
Nothing ever feels like enough because there’s a little voice that says, “That’s not enough. You should have done more.”
Which over time eventually translates into: You Are Not Enough.
When perfectionists start to feel worthless, they will do anything to try to show that they actually do have value and worth. That they are enough.
That may mean that they continue to be easy going or people pleasers in order to be the perfect friend or partner. Because if they don’t do and be everything to everyone, they feel like they are not a good enough partner or friend.
They may not set boundaries or hold people accountable because they believe that “to be perfect” is to be nice and kind all the time and to set boundaries means that they aren’t doing enough for other people.
On the outside they demonstrate to the world that they have it all together, that things are easy, and you can absolutely have it all, but on the inside they are begging for someone to notice that they are struggling. But if people knew they were struggling, they would be proving to themselves, and in turn others, that they really aren’t enough so instead, they keep pushing through.
For a perfectionist, vulnerability, asking for help, letting someone know what’s going on, equals weakness and being weak is not a part of being perfect.
Weakness means that there is something more that they should have done.
Then on top of that, because perfectionism is an impossible standard to meet, they end up feeling even more worthless when things actually don’t work out perfectly. They feel like a failure because all the stressing and striving that they’ve done has resulted in not reaching a bar that was already unrealistically high to begin with.
And the vicious cycle goes on and on and on.
So where does the idea that the only way to prove your worth is to be perfect?
As trauma trained therapists, we view most clients’ experiences from a trauma- informed lens. We believe this is particularly important in working with the Black woman population because being a Black woman in America often comes with one or many of the following forms of trauma that contribute to feelings of low self-worth.
But quick disclaimer, we are not saying that all perfectionists have experienced some type of trauma, or that every person that has experienced trauma ends up being a perfectionist, but we are saying that the correlation is pretty high.
In the same ways that people say they aren’t perfectionists, a lot of folks also say they haven’t experienced any trauma. Well, if we expand our definition of what trauma is, we may find that more of us have experienced trauma than we realize.
Trauma can be anything that deeply impacts a person’s sense of safety and control. It is any event that rewires a person’s sense of self on a physical, psychological, emotional, or spiritual level. It is any situation that causes a person to experience difficulty integrating the situation into their sense of who they are and their current reality, or impairs their ability to experience the world in a safe, secure, and adaptive way.
So perfectionism can be seen as a trauma response and/or a protective factor. People often develop perfectionistic behaviors in order to have some sense of control in chaotic situations and environments where they felt or were out of control or unsafe.
So we are going to share 3 ways that trauma shows up as a factor that leads to perfectionism.
Developmental/Childhood trauma
For people who have experienced trauma, especially developmental childhood trauma such as witnessing and/or experiencing emotional, physical, verbal, psychological, abuse in the household, experiencing neglect from a parent that was emotionally unavailable to care for a child, being parentified at an early age, being consistently told that you’re a failure or you’re worthless (either directly or indirectly), having love withdrawn from you if you didn’t do what a parent wanted you to do, having a parent be absent during the formative years of your life, homeless, food insecurity, being raised in neighborhoods with excessive violence. Just to name a few. Even being consistently told to be “seen and not heard” as a child, which lends itself to being unable to express our needs, set and stand on firm boundaries in adulthood.
All of these experiences can contribute to a person feeling worthless or questioning their value, especially when these experiences happen during the development stages and years of life. If at a very young age, you are told these things about who you are, they will influence the way you view yourself moving into adulthood. Additionally, at that very young age, you develop adaptive behaviors to support you in protecting yourself.
You perform really well.
You hide and stay small.
You’re the perfect child.
You get quiet.
Why?
Because all of these likely prevent you from being exposed to any more hurt or pain from others. However, what usually ends up happening is that the hurt and pain is internalized so you become the person that has those standards for yourself.
Perfectionism in this context can be viewed as a protective factor. Protective factors work for a period of time in our lives, they are often very useful at the time, but they usually end up not serving us anymore once we are in a different environment or trying to approach different situations, obstacles or opportunities.
Protective factors served a purpose at the time we needed (or need them because racism is ongoing as we’ll talk about in a minute), but in a lot of ways, we’ve internalized the need for protective factors and continue to display it even when we don’t need to.
Systematic Racism
As Black women, as people of color in America, we are constantly navigating systems that were not designed for us to win and in a lot of ways were set up for us to fail. As such, we end up internalizing experiences rooted in historical and generational trauma that in turn cause us to develop adaptive behaviors just to survive. Constantly being in survival mode is a trauma response that enhances and reinforces perfectionism.
For example, the message that we’ve all in some way shape or form received: You have to work twice as hard to get half as much feeds into this belief that we have to be perfect, model citizens just to survive. The trauma obviously isn’t in that message, but in turn we believe that we have to look, be, speak, and exist in a certain way because our literal lives depend on it. That can cause anxiety, stress, fear, and adds pressure to our everyday lives. Depending on the context, it can lead to the nervous system being overwhelmed and unable to regulate. So when we try to live up to these oppressive messages of how we are supposed to exist in the world, we lend ourselves towards perfectionism, and ultimately end up causing ourselves significant amounts of pain.
How many of you have been in environments where you are busting your butt, working overtime, getting all your requirements completed far ahead of the timeline, when your colleagues, primarily your white colleagues, likely male colleagues, aren’t even doing half the work you’re doing and are likely getting paid more. This isn’t saying that you should lower your standards to meet theirs.
We could never.
But this is to say that you may want to evaluate where and how your energy is being used especially if it’s leading to negative effects on your well being.
The constant exposure to these systems that devalue us can make us question who we are rather than the system that oppresses us. The system that makes us question whether our lives matter so in turn we seek to prove that it does, often by attempting to be perfect.
Microaggressions
The issue with the term microaggression is that the “micro” suggests that there is something inconsequential about these offenses, but the reality is that there is nothing small about these subtle forms of racism. In fact, these are often more distressing because the person being offended is often left questioning whether it is actually something for them to be upset or offended about. We wonder whether this person meant to harm us or they just don’t know any better. Regardless, the impact is still there.
I once heard microaggressions being likened to paper cuts. One paper-cut you would likely hardly notice, but hundreds of paper-cuts back to back you would definitely feel the pain of. That’s the challenge with microaggressions. They are often multiple paper-cuts that occur over short periods of time rather than just one over a long period of time.
As such, people try to avoid these cuts by being the perfect person. By conforming to the environment that they are in to fit into the comfort of everyone else. They might try to avoid conflict in order to maintain the easy going image or not be considered the angry black woman (link to Black woman in America article). Perfectionism becomes a barrier to being harmed. It’s an adaption to ensure that you are able to survive in any environment that you are in. And even though you may be able to survive, it often forces you to hide the most authentic parts of yourselves.
To push through. Just to make it.
And if by being perfect, you just make it, then perfectionism appears to be worth it.
Protective | Survival | Adaptive
By thinking of perfectionism in this way, it allows us to have compassion for the behaviors and the ways that we have learned to survive.
And still when we peel back the layers of perfectionism, we realize that there’s a lot of pain, suffering, and a long history of sadness for a lot of Black women who suffer from perfectionism. A lot that has had to be pushed down and away to be able to press on and move forward. We hear you, and while we know it’s hard, we also want you to know that there is another way. Even in the midst of a world that continues to tell you you aren’t enough. There is still another way.
Your healing and empowerment, your imperfections, is what continues to help us all grow, shine, and expand.
The Worth, Wisdom and Wellness Center provides Trauma & EMDR therapy, Therapy for Perfectionism and Low Self-esteem, Therapy for Anxiety and Depression, and Faith-Based Therapy to Black women and Women of Color. You don’t have to wait any longer to heal. We are here to help.
If you are located in the state of Georgia* and interested in starting your healing journey, you can follow any of the steps below.
1. Contact us to schedule your first appointment and learn more about our services.
2. Review our Meet Us pages to learn more about our trauma trained providers.
3. Review our FAQs page to learn more about therapy at our center.
We look forward to being a part of your healing journey.
*Dr. Marcuetta Sims also sees clients in other states. Check her bio to learn more.