For the most part, when people hear perfectionist, they assume we are just talking about someone with the desire to “be perfect” and they immediately brush off the idea that they could, in fact, be a perfectionist.
“That’s not me! I don’t want to be perfect.”
But, the reality is that perfectionism is not just about striving to be perfect. In fact most times, perfectionism causes stagnation and procrastination which is counterproductive to things actually being perfect.
Perfectionism is more about the ideal image that you hold yourself to and the harsh judgement of yourself when you don’t live up to that impossible ideal.
Perfectionism is the pressure to keep striving for more, to do everything to an unrealistically high standard, to do everything “right,” and to avoid failure at all costs.
It’s about measuring whether you are good enough solely by what you accomplish or what you can do.
Perfectionism at its core is an issue of worth. Perfection tells you that you have to prove that you are valuable, worthy of love and affection, and deserving of praise. And the only way to “prove” that is by doing more and more and more, but never giving yourself credit because then that could lead to complacency.
Does that sound more like relatable content?
Perfectionists tend to:
Avoid being “seen” or play small to limit the amount of exposure people have to you just in case you do fail.
Reject compliments and think to themselves, “there’s so much more I could have done” or attribute the compliment to something else (i.e “Oh, they’re just being nice.” “They probably didn’t really mean that.”)
Postpone starting, launching or sharing with others when they have an idea for a business, a new project, or venture because they want to have every single thing in order before they put it out there. Eventually they might just end up not doing it at all.
Immediately move on to doing something els because that achievement (no matter how big) didn’t feel like they did enough.
Think things aren’t worth celebrating although their friends are constantly telling them that they’re a boss, doing amazing things, and winning (because typically they already are) and constantly celebrating them.
Keep their opinions to themselves, avoid conflict, and not set boundaries because they want to be viewed as easy going and nice to everyone that they interact with.
Criticize other people for not doing enough for them despite those people giving them everything they want. When perfectionists are asked what else that person could be doing better, they really don’t know, but are convinced that other people aren’t doing enough.
Have a difficult time delegating tasks because they don’t think people will do said task as well as they will do them. Cue the ol’ “if you want something done right, do it yourself” saying.
Did you say “Yep, that’s me” or get convicted about any of these?
If yes, if these sound even remotely familiar to you, then you may have, at minimum, some perfectionist tendencies.
Some other common ways we describe this is being a people pleaser, the over achiever, the straight A student, the highest performing employee, the most reliable friend, the strong one.
Now, it’s possible that you’re thinking “okay okay, I’m a perfectionist, or at least have some tendencies, but my perfectionism has gotten me to where I am today! Why would I want to stop being a perfectionist?! Won’t I become lazy and complacent?”
Great questions!
Of course there are some pretty powerful pros to perfectionism.
So let’s honor those first:
You’re likely Dope AF. You’re amazing. You’re successful. You’re achieving all the things. People come to you because they know you have a certain level of excellence and they expect any product that you produce, the services you provide, to be excellent. They know they can count on you to get the job DONE. You know and they know you have the skills. You are a BOSS. You’ve made it so far in your career. You are doing the dang thang!
BUT (and this is a big but) all these benefits, all the accolades of being a perfectionist come at a great cost.
Do you FEEL Dope AF?
Do you FEEL like a boss?
Do you ever give yourself credit for the things that you do?
Do you allow yourself to rest and take breaks?
Have there ever been moments where you say “Okay? I’ve done enough for today?” and you actually feel okay with that?
Do you allow yourself time to do nothing without saying you’re lazy OR without having to justify why you get to take time off?
Do you ever brag about yourself or do you avoid it just to “stay humble”?
This is the cost of perfectionism.
You don’t take risks, because you believe this is the way to avoid failure.
You don’t have a sense of your worth outside of what you can DO.
You’re overworked AND you don’t ask for what you deserve because you don’t feel worth it and you don’t believe you’ve done enough to deserve more.
You allow others to take advantage of you because you don’t want to stir the pot, you want to be loved by everyone, all the time.
You lose out on loving yourself.
You lose out on others being able to love the true version of you.
You feel empty.
You’re tired.
You’re burned out.
But you keep pushing, because perfectionism says you have to.
Perfectionism= Unrealistic. High. Standards.
Perfectionism= Low Self-Worth
Perfectionism= Lack of Trust In Self
Perfectionism= Very Little, if any, Self-care.
So while perfectionism may be a large reason as to why you are where you are today, there were a lot of sacrifices that need to be made as well.
The goal is to not have to sacrifice these important parts of you and still be able to maintain the standards that you wish to carry out into the world. Just not unrealistic, unattainable standards.
Here are 6 ways to start challenging perfectionism and free yourself to start showing up fully.
- Get REAL clear about where these perfectionistic beliefs come from and what you need to do to challenge them. Chances are there’s an experience (or several) that contributed to you developing a story about yourself needing to be perfect to survive and the became a belief about how you are supposed to show up in the world. Let’s start changing that story and challenging those beliefs.
- Accept that perfectionism is not a real thing. There is no way to be perfect because everyone’s perception of perfection is different. Many of us were likely scared of monsters when we were kids, but then we grew up and learned that monsters aren’t real. We were no longer scared of them. Perfectionism is the same way. When you really learn to accept and believe that perfectionism isn’t real, you no longer have to fear it or let your behavior be controlled by it.
- Accept that failure IS a real thing and it is totally necessary. Avoiding failure is basically saying that you don’t want to change and grow. Failure is a necessary part of life. Think about when you were learning to walk. I know you may not remember it, but I also know we’ve at least seen a child, an animal, try to learn how to walk. There are stumbles, there are falls, there are even tears sometimes, but eventually we learn how to do it. We don’t consider those to be failures, but the reality is they are. The same thing applies to your risks. There will be stumbles, falls, and likely some tears along the way and that just means that you are growing. In fact, make a list of all the times you’ve failed and what you learned from them. Shift your perspective.
- BRAG MORE!!! Even if it’s just to yourself. Shoutout all the things that you are doing well in your life. Make a brag list. Your own personal highlight reel. Think on it ALL THE TIME. You’ve already accomplished SO MUCH. It’s time to start celebrating where you already are, not worrying about how much further you have to go. If we can’t even celebrate the “small” victories, it will be that much harder to celebrate the bigger ones. This helps to break the mindset that perpetuates that anything we do will never be enough.
- Be compassionate with yourself. It can be so difficult to be kind to ourselves when things are going the way that we want them to but self-compassion is absolutely necessary as you work to embrace your imperfections, your flaws, and your failures. Telling yourself things like you did a great job today. You are doing the best you can. Look at all the work you’ve done. Look at all you’ve accomplished. Look at where you are, look at where you started, the fact that you’re alive is a miracle! (Sorry, I had to do it.) Pay attention to the things you say to yourself daily and see if you can find a way to incorporate some self-compassion. A great way to gauge, “is what I’m saying to myself something I would say to a loved one?”
- Last but certainly not least, ask for help. Professional help. A lot of times, these steps are impossible to do alone. If you’ve been struggling with perfectionism all your life, just sitting down and making a list may not be enough to shift things for you. Also, just the act of having the courage to say I need help is a swift kick in the butt for perfectionism because perfectionism will tell you that you have to do it all alone and all on your own or it’s not perfect. And that’s just ridiculous. So work with a therapist to unpack the things contributing to your perfectionism so you can move on with your life. You may have some deep internal work to do and that’s not just about making lists.
Remember, perfectionism isn’t just about being “perfect”
It’s about worthiness, unrelenting high expectations, and can sometimes be the result of trauma. The messages we receive from society as Black women, as people of color, also contribute to our perfectionistic tendencies. But we can heal from perfectionism. We can recognize that there are benefits to perfectionism, but we also have to recognize that there are great costs to perfectionism. Challenging your beliefs, accepting that perfection isn’t real, seeking out the lessons learned from failure, bragging on yourself, showing yourself compassion AND seeing a therapist are all great ways to overcome perfectionism and free yourself to just be.
The Worth, Wisdom and Wellness Center provides Trauma & EMDR therapy, Therapy for Perfectionism and Low Self-esteem, Therapy for Anxiety and Depression, and Faith-Based Therapy to Black women and Women of Color. You don’t have to wait any longer to heal. We are here to help.
If you are located in the state of Georgia* and interested in starting your healing journey, you can follow any of the steps below.
1. Contact us to schedule your first appointment and learn more about our services.
2. Review our Meet Us pages to learn more about our trauma trained providers.
3. Review our FAQs page to learn more about therapy at our center.
We look forward to being a part of your healing journey.
*Dr. Marcuetta Sims also sees clients in other states. Check her bio to learn more.