What is it about boundaries that feels so difficult to implement or stand firm on within our relationships?
What do you envision when you hear that word? Boundaries.
Is it a picture of a tall gate that is made of steel, covered in barbed wire, and seemingly impossible to penetrate or get in?
Do you feel that this gate looks so intimidating that you’re afraid others on the outside may not even want to attempt to figure out how to get on the other side which potentially leaves you feeling alone?
Identifying what it is about boundaries that feels so icky can be helpful in reframing and most times even, unlearning mindsets that keep you on the fence about implementing them within your relationships.
Oftentimes we view boundaries as rigid obstacles that further get in the way of our ability to maintain connections to those we truly want to be close with.
Those who struggle with creating boundaries often also have people-pleasing tendencies.
If we really try to break it down, boundaries can feel like a direct challenge to the core values of people-pleasing — values such as dependability, reliability, loyalty, a sense of belongingness and connectedness, and likability.
So, if we recognize that this challenge lies at the root of our apprehension or hesitancy towards having boundaries, it makes sense that this feels like a difficult task to ask of ourselves. That feels a lot like working backwards.
Why on earth would anyone do anything (such as have boundaries) that would push them further away from others?
Let’s move towards a reframe.
What if I told you that boundaries are a reflection of our relationship with ourselves and others?
What we allow from others is a direct correlation to our perception of ourselves. 
Many of us don’t take the time to really reflect on the relationships in our lives.
So let’s start there.
Take an honest, in-depth assessment of the company you keep.
Think about how you are treated in those spaces, how you feel after interactions, your ability to communicate thoughts, feelings, emotions, likes, dislikes freely.
What do you notice?
Do you feel heard, validated, or respected on a general basis? Do you feel comfortable in these spaces with others? Do you feel closer or more connected? How do you feel during and after conflict? Do they meet your needs and respect your communicated wishes?
These questions reflect qualities of what we would consider “healthy” relationships.
Let’s be clear — healthy does not equate to perfect or free from issues, but healthy is more so comprised of open communication and mutual respect.
Answering these questions can also help you assess where you are in your relationship with yourself.
If the answer to any of those questions was “no” or if it feels unclear, that is an indicator that what you value for yourself is not being honored by those you surround yourself with.
What comes next is understanding why you are maintaining relationships that aren’t truly serving you and why you are accepting less than what you know you deserve.
The answer may be that there are underlying core beliefs that you hold, whether consciously or unconsciously, that keep you in spaces longer than you’re meant to be or where you are continuously accepting less.
Core beliefs are central ideas about ourselves, others, and the world around us that are largely shaped by our experiences.
Cultural values and ideals, trauma, socio-economic status, previous relationship history, and childhood upbringing are just a few factors that can shape our core beliefs. Our core beliefs influence our thoughts and behaviors. These beliefs can be positive or negative, but it is typically negative beliefs that impede our relationships.
“I am a failure”
“I am weak”
“I am unlovable”
“I do not deserve good things”
“I am worthless”
“Nothing ever works out for me”
Have you ever said these words out loud or more commonly….thought them to yourself?
Although these beliefs may appear to just be centered around you, they also leak out in our view of others and how we view the world.
Relationship problems can stem from these beliefs such as difficulty trusting others, feeling inadequate in relationships and putting others’ needs before our own (i.e. people-pleasing tendencies…is that you?!).
Part of boundary work is identifying core beliefs, especially the negative ones, that impact the ways in which we decide to show up with others. If you believe that you are undeserving of good things, or unlovable, how can it be possible for your relationships to survive and thrive?
How can your relationships reflect and honor your worth if you feel you are worthless?
All things in our lives stem from us because we are at the center of it all. If the relationship with yourself isn’t top notch, chances are your other relationships won’t meet their full potential either because it doesn’t work without you.
In their simplest form, boundaries are standards that communicate the way we want others to treat us.
Boundaries help us to feel comfortable, open, respected and nurtured. They are not created to push people away, but rather bring them closer.
Boundaries help us to show up more authentically, which helps our relationships to flourish. We feel better when we feel heard, understood and seen.
Boundaries are not selfish.
Boundaries are not you “asking for too much”.
Boundaries are a necessary part of healthy relationships.
Here are some important things to remember as your begin or continue to grow in your journey into boundary setting:
- Those who respect you will respect your boundaries. Point blank period.
- Boundaries can change just as we do. What we may have once allowed, we have a right to decide not to allow that anymore at any time. We are ever-changing and evolving beings so naturally our boundaries will be too.
- People will not always like or agree with your boundaries. They are entitled to their feelings, but that does not mean you need to adjust your standards to make them feel better. Pushback can be a response to a boundary but remember, your boundaries are for you. That can mean prioritizing your needs over others’ feelings.
- Boundaries are an assertive form of communication but they still convey respect. There is a difference between being assertive in your boundary setting and being aggressive.
- Your boundaries may need to be communicated more than once. Humans will be human, so give others grace and time to get adjusted to your boundaries but also be cognizant of when they are blatantly and purposely violated.
The boundaries you create should reflect the value you see in yourself and want others to recognize as well.
It’s up to you to set that tone because only you truly know what feels the best for you.
You don’t have to accept crumbs when you can have the whole cake.
The Worth, Wisdom and Wellness Center provides Trauma & EMDR therapy, Therapy for Perfectionism and Low Self-esteem, Therapy for Anxiety and Depression, and Faith-Based Therapy to Black women and Women of Color. We can help you build the relationship with yourself and work through core beliefs that may be getting in the way of your ability to create and implement boundaries that you deem necessary.