In a world that tells us we have to be on all the time…
Be available to everyone who needs something from us…
Be everything to everyone…
The concept and application of boundaries can be elusive at best and feel impossible at worst.
We fear that if we set boundaries, we will hurt other people’s feelings.
We worry that if we set boundaries, people won’t like us anymore
We stress about losing relationships if we put boundaries in place.
All the while, we are brewing in resentment, unaddressed feelings of anger, lack of compassion, fatigue and burnout. We tell ourselves that not setting boundaries makes us a kinder person, a better friend, an exemplary employee, a loving family member. And in some ways all of this may be true, but my question is always…
“What is the cost of not setting boundaries?”
If being a kind person without boundaries costs you integrity, is it actually being kind?
If being a good friend without boundaries costs you honesty, is it actually being a good friend?
If being an exemplary employee without boundaries costs you time with your family, are you actually being a good employee?
If being a loving family member without boundaries costs you your sanity, are you actually being a loving family member?
I’ve found that a lot of times, the reason we don’t have good boundaries is because we don’t understand what it means to have boundaries.
Having boundaries means letting your yes and yes and your no be no. Which also means actually having to say “No.” some times, maybe even more often than you’ve said No in your whole life.
For many, one of the shortest words in the English language is one of the most difficult ones to communicate.
Having boundaries means not overcommitting to things, especially those things that you really don’t want to do, only to cancel at the last minute and ultimately disappoint the person that you committed to. Or it means not committing to things and then showing up with an attitude because you really didn’t want to be there in the first place.
Having boundaries means putting limits on yourself so that you are not doing the most when you need to be doing less (note I said DOING the most, not BEING the most. This is important because boundaries are not about limiting who you are as much as they are about limiting what you do and how you respond).
Far too often, people equate boundaries to bad words. In their minds, boundaries are all bad and to be avoided at all costs.
The reality is boundaries are good and necessary. Boundaries are tools to support you in being able to show up as authentically as you can when you need to.
But here’s the most important key to boundaries that I want you to remember even if you take nothing else away from this.
Boundaries are not designed to control other people. Your boundaries are for you.
See, the issue most people have with setting boundaries is that they assume that a boundary is to restrict other people. We want to put up boundaries to keep people out of our DMs, or to stop people from saying certain things to us, or to control how others interact with us. But truthfully, we can not control anyone else’s behaviors (as much as we may try) but our own and if you are going to be serious about setting boundaries, you have to turn inward and get honest with yourself about the things you can control (you and your behaviors) and how you are going to change your responses to having more boundaries.
One of my favorite boundary examples to share is the blessing of Do Not Disturb (DND)!
So, a boundary that I have is that I do not respond to texts or engage in conversations after a certain time in the evening and before a certain time in the morning. With the assistance of DND I don’t even know that I get messages unless I actually look at my phone. These new upgrades have even made it to where it won’t show up on the lock screen unless you set it up that way. If you can’t tell, I love this.
Now. One way that you can look at setting a boundary is by telling everyone: “Don’t contact me after 9PM.” and communicating that boundary to others. However, you are heavily relying on everyone of your contacts to remember YOUR boundary and not contact you after that time.
Well, I’m sorry to inform you, but chances are, that is not going to be maintained. What this often leads to is frustration with people for “not respecting your boundaries” but that is because you placed the boundaries in the hands of people that you don’t have control over.
The other way to look at setting this boundary is by saying to yourself: “I don’t respond to messages after 9PM.” and you can feel free to tell folks. Or you can just turn your DND on and respond to them the following day after your time period of not responding has ended. THIS is effective and efficient because you don’t have to rely on anyone else to maintain the boundary for you and you are in control of whether your boundary is respected because you are the one honoring it.
Honor yourself enough to honor your boundaries.
I’m going to say something here that is likely controversial.
When it comes to having boundaries, the most important thing is not if people respect your boundaries. The real question is do you respect them?
In this particular example, you can have all your friends hit you up at 9:01 PM and have whole conversations in the group chat without you, and technically, they would not be “respecting” your boundaries, but the point of the boundary isn’t for them. It’s for YOU.
Now, this example may seem inconsequential in terms of people respecting your boundaries, but let’s be honest, there are other boundaries that if people continue to not respect, you may have to have some other conversations about the role this person plays in your life. That’s another topic for another blog, but when it comes to setting and enforcing boundaries, don’t place the responsibility of whether your boundaries are honored in the hands of another person.
Now there are certain boundaries that this doesn’t apply to. Like violations of physical boundaries. People should not touch you if you do not want to be touched. Ever. Period. There is no discussion about what is appropriate or not in this category.
When it comes to topics of how you want to set time boundaries, availability boundaries, ‘things I am going to do for others’ boundaries, those are boundaries that you are fully in control of.
You can’t stop your boss from asking you to stay at work later but you can say “I can’t do that today, but I will get on it first thing in the morning.”
You can’t stop your friends from inviting you to every on campus event the week of finals because they only have one but you have 10, but you can say, “Love y’all, but I have to study. I’ll catch the parties when finals are over.”
You can’t stop people from texting you at all times of the night, but you can schedule DND and respond when you’re ready.
You can’t stop the people you follow from posting offensive and hurtful things, but you can unfollow them.
The list goes on and on but the moral is, we can not control other people’s behaviors nor whether they respect our boundaries. All we can control is how we enforce our boundaries and how we respond.
Another common response to setting boundaries is feeling guilt or believing that you are “mean” for setting boundaries.
And the truth is, we are socialized to feel this way and as a result avoid setting boundaries. Our society often sends messages that not setting boundaries is kind, and being all self-sacrificing makes you a good person. So choosing to set boundaries and renegotiate these narratives is counterculture.
It is impossible to please everyone or be liked by everyone so avoiding setting a boundary to be liked is a waste of emotional time and energy.
Wouldn’t you rather spend that energy loving yourself? Investing in yourself? Showing up for yourself? So that when it is time to show up for others, so that when it is time to be present, you are able to do that fully without the weight of resentment?
Try it and see.
There is a freedom in setting boundaries that society does not tell you about. That your parents never told you about because they didn’t even know. That you’ve never gotten to experience because you’ve likely been forced into doing whatever others ask of you your entire life.
The guilt will likely be very strong in the beginning. Until you’ve internalized another message:
Boundaries are healthy.
You will likely continue to struggle with the feelings of guilt associated with setting boundaries. Guilt is the feeling that pops up when you believe you are doing something wrong. So of course if everyone else is telling you what you “should” do then it seems like a very natural response to feel some guilt. But you can also challenge those beliefs and challenge yourself to grow in this area.
You’re not mean. You’re not unkind. You’re not selfish.
You care about yourself and others too much to not set boundaries.
I was recently a guest on a podcast where I talked about how setting boundaries are like pruning back plants.
We have two bushes that sit in our backyard and each year we prune them back so that they have more room to grow the following Spring. It’s that time of year when they are starting to grow again and I am reminded of this metaphor.
Boundaries that you set for yourself are like being pruned back. You limit yourself for a certain time period or from a certain thing (or series of things) so that you can create more space to grow and expand.
Do you know what I do when I’m not responding to text messages late at night? I am winding down from my day, spending time with my family, getting ready for bed, relaxing my mind, finding peace and calm. This allows me to be more present for the people in my home who also need my love and attention.
And do you know what that means for the next day? I am able to be fully present and focused on the tasks at hand for that day rather than being tired and groggy because I’ve been on my phone all night. I am less distracted overall. And I don’t feel the urgency to respond to all the things because I am used to being detached when I need to be.
And you know who my model for boundaries is? Jesus.
He literally waited 3 days after His friend died to even show up.
He was asleep on a boat in the middle of the storm while His friends were freaking out.
He put everyone out while He worked a miracle.
He frequently stole away for quiet time and to be alone with God.
AND He did some pretty amazing things during His time on this Earth. He also was one of the most generous, giving, and compassionate people in the world.
So is it possible that when we have good boundaries we are actually able to do more in the world than if we don’t?
I believe that is the case.
So if you’ve read this far, you may be wondering,
“How in the world do I even start setting boundaries?”
Here are some ways to get started:
- Identify the areas in your life where you feel overwhelmed, overworked, or overstimulated. Is there a boundary that you need to set for YOURSELF to give you more freedom, capacity, and rest?
- Take one boundary and reduce it to the smallest first step. If you are overwhelmed with notifications on your phone. An easy next step is to go into your settings and turn some of them off.
- Implement that boundary for yourself. If we’re keeping it super small, maybe just turn off one a day for the next month.
- Notice how it feels and acknowledge both the guilt and the freedom/relief. This is a great time to journal and to celebrate. You’re on your way to being a better, more authentic version of yourself.
- Keep trying out new boundaries knowing that they can be adjusted as needed. Once you start, the momentum helps you to continue. Keep trying, keep doing, and it will eventually become more natural.
Setting boundaries is a big topic and it comes in many different varieties and forms. This really only scratches the surface. And even the thought of setting boundaries can be overwhelming to explore. A lot of our difficulties with setting boundaries come from trauma histories where we learned that setting boundaries were not only impossible but sometimes dangerous.
If you’re finding that setting boundaries is not only difficult but terrifying, you may need the support of a qualified mental health professional to process those past traumas and experiences and help you to dismantle beliefs about setting boundaries that may be holding you back. There is freedom in healing and there is freedom in setting boundaries. We want to help you do both.
The Worth, Wisdom and Wellness Center provides Trauma & EMDR therapy, Therapy for Perfectionism and Low Self-esteem, Therapy for Anxiety and Depression, and Faith-Based Therapy to Black women and Women of Color. You don’t have to try to figure out how to set boundaries by yourself. We can help you with that.
If you are located in the state of Georgia* and interested in starting your healing journey, you can follow any of the steps below.
- Contact us to schedule your intake appointment and learn more about our services.
- Review our About Us page to learn more about our trauma trained providers.
- Review our FAQs page to learn more about therapy at our center.
We look forward to being a part of your healing journey.
*Dr. Marcuetta Sims also sees clients in other states. Check her bio to learn more.
Written by: Dr. Marcuetta Sims. Follow her on IG @drmarcuettasims! Follow us @worthwisdomwellness