Do you often feel taken advantage of in your intimate relationships?
Do you frequently think to yourself, “I’m being used”?
Have you ever thought, “I do way more for other people than they do for me”?
Do you find yourself being angry and resentful in relationships, but you continue to put on a happy face and pretend like everything is okay?
Do you avoid conflict when something is off, but continue to hold grudges?
If you answered yes to any of these, chances are you are a “People Pleaser.”
We often hear clients talk about being a “People Pleaser” and they tend to have these certain things in common.
· They say yes to any and all requests even when they don’t actually want to
· They avoid telling people how they really feel because they believe it’s going to hurt the other person’s feelings or people will no longer like them
· Most of their decisions are based on whether or not someone else will like them
· When people don’t give them positive feedback or support, they believe they’ve done something wrong
· They don’t take risks because they fear disappointing others
· They don’t set boundaries because they believe others will think they are asking for too much
Trauma & People Pleasing
Trauma often plays a role in people pleasing, more often than people realize. People pleasing is an effective way to protect yourself in an environment or situation that feels unsafe, unpredictable, uncertain, and unstable. These are common characteristics of trauma. If we think of people pleasing as a protective factor, it makes sense that while you’re in those environments, you would fall into or develop this pattern.
However, these behaviors tend to persist long after the trauma has ended. It becomes ingrained in “who you are”
But it’s not just “who you are.”
The truths behind people pleasing:
The truth is: You Need to Heal.
This is not just a part of your personality, or just the way that it has to be. This is a learned behavior that if continued can lead to harmful outcomes. This isn’t just you being a good or “nice” person. This is sacrificing your needs and well-being to make others comfortable at your own expense.
The truth is: It is impossible to please everyone.
Each person in your life wants something different and you cannot be everything that everyone else needs. You’ll spend your whole life trying to contort yourself and conform to what others want from you. And ultimately, you end up feeling lost, resentful, and dissatisfied from trying to live for everyone else except yourself.
The truth is: People pleasing is inherently dishonest.
If you are going against how you really feel just to please someone else, you’re essentially lying to yourself and to others. You create a facade that you’re easy going and amenable when in fact your resentment and exhaustion is growing because this isn’t sustainable.
The truth is: People pleasing is also a symptom of perfectionism and low self-esteem.
Trauma survivors often believe that by doing everything “right” for others, they can be the perfect partner, perfect friend, perfect employee, the perfect child and not experience any negative consequences. In reality, perfection is a myth, an unrealistic unattainable goal that breeds suffering and discontent. This is also generally an internal, isolated, and lonely experience because it is certainly not pleasing to others to share how these behaviors really make you feel about them and yourself.
You don’t have to spend the rest of your life being a “people pleaser.” You can heal from the past wounds that creates the need for this behavior. You can learn to focus on and communicate your own needs. You can have healthy relationships where both people are fulfilled, where you don’t feel compelled to sacrifice yourself entirely for the sake of others and you don’t feel guilty for prioritizing yourself.
““Healing begins where the wound was made.””
— -Alice Walker (The Way Forward Is with a Broken Heart)
So you notice that these people pleasing behaviors and patterns are a part of your daily life, now what?
Here are 10 things you can do to move away from people pleasing and move toward healing.
1. Show yourself compassion. It is extremely difficult to start a healing process from a place of harshness and criticism. Start with being kind to yourself and telling yourself that things don’t have to be this way.
2. Identify small opportunities for you to start expressing your true feelings.
3. Share how you feel with a friend that feels safe.
4. Say NO to an invitation that you really don’t want to attend.
5. Set a limit for yourself on what time you will stop responding to texts. Find something that feels manageable to you and start there.
6. Engage in an activity that you enjoy just because you enjoy it.
7. Do something that doesn’t involve getting permission or approval from someone else.
8. Pause before saying yes and check in with how you really feel.
9. Tell someone when they’ve hurt you.
10. Set a boundary around how you want to be treated.
These are just some small ways to start making big changes.
Just because these changes are small, does not mean they are easy to do. Especially when you’ve been engaging in these behaviors for most of your life and they have served to keep you safe. We have a natural desire to belong, be liked, and feel protected. So chances are, you are also benefiting greatly from these behaviors. The potential to lose relationships is enough to keep people in the same pattern and cycles. These are uncomfortable changes to make, and most of us don’t like being uncomfortable.
It can be hard to see that there is more to gain on the other side, but the truth is, relationships built on trust and honesty are more substantial than relationships built on fear and dishonesty. You are worth having relationships where you feel cared for and supported and not resentful or taken advantage of. You deserve to get the things that you want in life and have the freedom to make decisions that are in line with your values, your dreams, and your goals. Orienting yourself away from primarily pleasing others significantly increases your capacity to grow and THRIVE.
Can you envision what it might be like to live in THIS reality?
If you notice that it is difficult for you to apply these skills, it is possible that you could benefit from meeting with a trauma therapist to help you move away from people pleasing, perfectionism, and low self-esteem and move towards healing. It takes hard work and commitment to change behaviors. You deserve to have someone who knows how to support you and does not expect anything from you for their own emotional benefit or gain. Let us help you in transforming the ways you show up for yourself and in your relationships.
The Worth, Wisdom and Wellness Center provides Trauma & EMDR therapy, Therapy for Perfectionism and Low Self-esteem, Therapy for Anxiety and Depression, and Faith-Based Therapy to Black women and Women of Color. You don’t have to wait any longer to heal. We are here to help.
If you are located in the state of Georgia* and interested in starting your healing journey, you can follow any of the steps below.
1. Contact us to schedule your first appointment and learn more about our services.
2. Review our Meet Us pages to learn more about our trauma trained providers.
3. Review our FAQs page to learn more about therapy at our center.
We look forward to being a part of your healing journey.
*Dr. Marcuetta Sims also sees clients in other states. Check her bio to learn more.