At times, it can feel practically impossible to find a good balance in life.
You may feel the pull of the past, ruminating on things you could have done better or mistakes you have made.
You may be focused on the future, envisioning all that is to come and your ability to manage it.
You may have even grown up in a household that stressed [read: drilled into your head, directly or subtly] the importance of working hard and striving to get the things we want.
Here is where all the witty cliche sayings are cued:
“The hustle never stops!”
“Dreams don’t work unless you do!”
“Hard work pays off!”
Any of those sound familiar?
Sometimes those statements can be motivating and inspiring, but underneath the surface, something else begins to develop that we aren’t even aware of.
What slowly starts to creep in is the need for CONTROL.
A desire to constantly seek control in all situations.
We wind up consistently, and often, unconsciously, telling ourselves that anything we pursue will work out if we just have a plan and execute it flawlessly (read: If I’m just in control).
It will work out if we just pour ourselves into it and give it everything we got (read: If I’m just in control).
But here’s something to consider: how often have your plans gone off without any hiccups?
The answer to that is probably: rarely, if ever.
Life does not care about our plan A, B, or C. Read that again. 
Because this can be a difficult sentiment to accept. Especially when we all work so hard to get through life each and every day.
In reality, that constant striving and working hard all boils down to control.
“Nothing can go wrong if I can control it.”
“Nothing is unattainable if it is within my control.”
By trying to control our circumstances we are often seeking some sense of comfort or relief. Feeling unprepared or being caught off guard by the wrenches that life throws at us is highly uncomfortable and unsettling.
On a deeper level, feeling a loss of control in our lives can also lead us to questioning who we are and who we have known ourselves to be.
Many of us are used to always being the person who figures it out, the person who has a plan. If I’m not that person then who am I? What does that say about me and my future? Does this mean I’m a failure? Thoughts and questions such as these may continue to linger until we land on our feet. Until we’ve figured it out.
But if any of this resonates with you then you know it’s a vicious cycle that continues to repeat itself each time we feel disoriented by life.
Another factor that contributes to an intense need for control is Trauma.
When we experience a traumatic event, it is usually accompanied by a sense of powerlessness or helplessness. This is because trauma is out of our control, unforeseen, and overwhelms our coping capacities and threshold of tolerance for distress.
Trauma can directly challenge our ability to feel in control over, well, anything.
So where does that leave us? How do we find the balance between putting effort into our wants and desires but not overworking to the point we are trying to exert too much control, especially when we have had a traumatic past? Is the concept of finding balance nonexistent? Of course the answer to that question is no but it sure does feel like it at times. So again, how do we find the balance?
Have a plan with realistic and attainable goals to make that plan happen, but also keep in mind that plans can and often do fall apart. Trust that that is OKAY. Have your future self’s back by pre-planning how to positively manage any disappointment or negative feelings that may follow, when the plan does not go the exact way you envisioned it. This is a great way to minimize feelings of helplessness and amplify feelings of “I got this” when things don’t go our way.
Here are a couple of things you can try:
- Focus on the things you can actually control. It may take some time to believe and accept the extent of what you can do right now, especially if you are used to being an overachiever, but knowing, trusting, and accepting, that you did your part also brings comfort. This can help you recognize that you do indeed have limits to what you can do.
You are only human after all. You don’t have to be superwoman all the time.
- Review past times in your life when you’ve been in a similar situation. How did it turn out? What did you do that was helpful? What wasn’t so helpful? Write down your answers to these questions so you have something tangible to rely on when you feel this way.
Oftentimes in the midst of stress and worry we forget or even underestimate our ability to handle distress. Looking back helps us to remember who we are and what we are capable of. Be sure to keep this somewhere you look often to serve as a constant reminder. It won’t be as helpful if it gets lost under mounds of paper never to be seen again. We all know if it’s out of sight, it’s likely out of mind.
- Find a healthy distraction. This may seem like not much of a way to deal with what we’re focused on, but the truth is that sometimes that’s just what we need, a dis
traction. Focus your energy and effort on something else for a while. A break could be just what the therapist ordered [*wink].
Constantly ruminating over things you cannot control is not good for your emotional or mental well-being since it will only make you feel worse.
Need an example of healthy distractions: Go for a walk, cook a delicious meal, phone a friend for a good laugh, or watch your favorite movie. It really doesn’t matter what you do, as long as it is something you enjoy and takes you out of a spiral. What matters is that you give yourself permission to enjoy something else for a time. You deserve it.
Lets just be real: while these suggestions can be helpful they can also be extremely hard to follow through with when we already feel heavy with worry and concern for the future.
The thing with motivation is that it typically comes after we get started with something. Most of us believe that we need it to get started when getting started is really the hardest part. Chances are you won’t feel motivated to act on these things while distress is happening, which means you’ll have to be intentional about trying these tips even when you don’t feel like it. Just remember you have a choice: sit in this and allow it to consume me or actively do something about it?
Ready to do something about it?
Finding balance includes first accepting that there’s only so much one can do in all situations. There will come a point where things are out of your control. Instead of allowing that to have a negative impact on us emotionally and how we feel about ourselves, recognize that this is normal and inevitable. The more you continue to fight against this, the harder it will be to move through it.
After acceptance, keep in mind that the future is coming whether you’re prepared for it or not. With it being the future, that means you will have no idea what’s to come. Trust that you’ll be able to handle whatever comes your way because you’ve done it before.
Did you know that the opposite of control is trust? Meditate on that for a bit.
This isn’t the first time you’ve faced uncertainty and it definitely won’t be the last. You build a stronger tolerance for uncertainty each time you face it.
Lastly, which I think is the most important takeaway – remember that what is for you will be for you.
Sure, you’ve heard this before but have you tried actually believing it?
Anything in this life that is meant for you will not pass you by. That also means you won’t have to force it into fruition or stress it into reality. Do what you can and the rest will fall into place organically. Trust the timing of things and trust the process.
We all have a story that is divinely ours and ours alone.
Do you struggle with relinquishing control and trusting the process? Does your life constantly feel imbalanced because you are hustling, striving, and stressing to make the plans that you want come to fruition? Are you aware that something from your past has contributed to your insatiable need for control?
If any of these sound like you and you would like assistance finding balance and working through your “control issues,” then look no further. We are here to help!
The Worth, Wisdom and Wellness Center provides Trauma & EMDR therapy, Therapy for Perfectionism and Low Self-esteem, Therapy for Anxiety and Depression, and Faith-Based Therapy to Black women and Women of Color.