One of my favorite topics to explore with clients is the search for identity or what may be more formally called Identity Development. It is a complex and elusive topic; simultaneously a journey and a destination. Even without trying, we wrestle with this and generally tend to land on different answers at different phases of our lives.
Does it surprise you that you don’t just form your identity and that is just it for the rest of your life?
When it comes to your identity [which I like to define as being authentic, being your true self], I like to empower my clients to determine who they are because if not, someone else will [try to] do it for you. While we are still in control of what our identity will be, we can often be susceptible to outside influences that try to shape who we are and who we will become.
There are a myriad of factors that contribute to how we feel about ourselves and what pieces of ourselves we display to others. However, identity is not static.
You can reclaim it and reshape it at any time.
As humans, we constantly face the struggle to fit in and find acceptance. Our interactions with and membership in various groups- from our families and our workplaces, to our churches and our friendships- provide the parameters for that acceptability.
We do what we have been taught.
We do what everyone around us is doing.
And we accept that this is just the way that it is…
Until we know differently.
As Black women, our emotions and identity are weaponized against us from several different sources. In response, we might engage in behaviors that serve to protect us and can really challenge our identity.
This can look like
Code switching, or changing your voice, appearance, hair or even the name you go by at school or work to maintain the respect of those in positions of power or even your peers (McCluney et al., 2021). 
Not speaking your mind to avoid being labeled as angry or aggressive.
Sacrificing your own comfort and happiness for others so that you can avoid being called selfish.
Believing that you have to be “superwoman” in order to be valued.
The “superwoman” or “strong Black woman” archetype is one of the most common harmful stereotypes that Black women face in society. From the outside, we experience the expectation that Black women are stronger than other women, that we need less support, and that we are “made” for carrying burdens and doing hard work.
On the inside, we can easily internalize and pass on this narrative when we learn to regard asking for help or even acknowledging that we are going through a hard time as a sign of weakness. This can lead us to withdraw from others, hide our true feelings, and avoid reaching out for help even when we desperately need it.
There are numerous oppressive systems in our society that can impact whether we are able to show up as our true selves at any given moment.
No, you’re not imaging the pressure. That is real.
There’s even a term for it. “Misogynoir” is defined as the intersection of racism and sexism as it pertains to Black women. Black women are uniquely positioned to experience oppression as it relates to not only their sex and gender identity, but also their race or ethnicity.
So instead of letting society dictate who you are going to believe yourself to be, look within yourself to find the way.
While this journey is hard and the fight is ongoing, one important thing to remember is that liberation starts within. Although Black women are often taught to/expected to take care of everyone else first, your internal sense of freedom matters.
Put on your own life vest/safety jacket first.
Even our great maternal ancestor Harriet Tubman freed herself before she went back for others.
So, if your answer to the question “Who am I?” is something like:
“I don’t know, but not this”
Here are a few things you can reflect on to get you started in finding your answer. Remember to approach the following points with curiosity rather than judgment. Getting to know yourself on a deeper level can bring up many complicated emotions.
- Who you are is not only what you’ve done. Your accomplishments are important AND the essence of your identity is so much more than that. You alone, as you are, have value.
Even though society sometimes overshadows this, especially for Black women. - Identity includes Where you came from and Where you are going…. who/what you love and sometimes who loves you. When reflecting on who you are, be sure to include the important people and experiences in your life.Our identity development does not exist in a vacuum, so the journey that has gotten you here matters.
- Ask yourself the following self-reflective questions (Permission slip here: you can always pause and come back. These questions can bring up a lot):
“Why do I feel this way?” and “Who gave me that?” These two questions can fit almost any situation. You can reflect on how you feel about those answers. If it does not bring you a sense of peace, if there is shame or guilt tied to the source/the answer, you may want to consider changing the impact of that thing in your life.
Maybe that advice you took in or that behavior you adapted to protect yourself no longer serves you. It is ok to say thank you to the purpose it used to have and put it down.
Whose voice is this?” This is particularly relevant if you find that your internal narrative is less than supportive. Sometimes we become so used to hearing the voices of people that have hurt us in the past that we internalize this and it becomes our own.
When we really start to unpack our internal dialogue, we learn to recognize what is ours and what belongs to someone else. It is so empowering to release ourselves from what is not ours to carry.
“What are my values? Who are my role models?” And of course, “Why are these my values and my role models?” Reflecting on who inspires you and what qualities are important to you can help you to stay aligned with yourself and live an authentic life.
If a behavior does not align with your values or make you proud of yourself, it may be time to change directions.
“When have I felt misunderstood?” Learning to understand what you wanted people to know about you in these moments is so valuable. If you have the awareness of why you were misunderstood you can increase the opportunities to share what you really want people to know about you when you have the chance.
Sometimes, people just won’t understand us, but every time you increase your inner knowledge, you simultaneously increase your effectiveness in communicating who you are and what you need.
When have I felt seen? You deserve to exist in and experience places where your full self is able to be witnessed. If you’ve never felt seen in any spaces, it is time to explore what those spaces are that will welcome you.
If you have places where you’ve felt seen, seek more spaces like this.
If no one was watching what would I do (or wear or think or say)? Oftentimes your truest and most authentic self is how you think, feel, and act when no one is looking. You can be pretty sure that this version of you is not a performance and is less inhibited by the pressures we face in society.
Our goal is to get you to be this person as often as you feel safe enough to.
What is my definition of peace? What is my definition of freedom? How do I want to see this in the world? Dreaming is a necessary part of life. Your vision of the future you want can impact how you engage with your present.
Have the courage to dream, even if you’re in the middle of really trying to figure out who you are.
If I had no responsibility, what would I do? Your deepest or most relaxed desires can provide insight into what things you can do for self care, or how to increase enjoyment in your life.
Another reminder to release the judgment. If you notice any thoughts along the lines of lazy or selfish popping up, ask yourself a previous question: Whose voice is that?
What angers me? What hurts me? Unaddressed and unresolved pain can lead to shame and ultimately living inauthentically. It can be empowering to decide how to change things you cannot accept or walk away from things that are keeping you stuck.
Pressing forward and holding on to unhealthy, toxic feelings and relationships can keep you in a cycle of confusion about who you are. It may be time to let some things go.
Who are the important people in my life? We carry bits and pieces of them with us. And if you’ve gotten this far in the questioning, hopefully you have a better sense of who the people in your life are that contribute to developing a sense of who you are that is honest and true.
Hold on to the parts of them that edify you.
4. After you’ve done all this deep work, say to yourself:
I WILL NOT PARTICIPATE IN MY OWN OPPRESSION… I give myself permission to just be.
We are all a collage of the important moments and people in our lives- you can decide how big those pieces are, what to move around, how you feel about the picture you’re looking at and when to shift your perspective
What if I told you that every time you woke up and chose to love yourself and to see yourself as whole that is an act of rebellion against the oppressive systems that dominate our society?
It’s ok to wonder, it’s ok to ask for help, it’s ok to be something other than strong.
You have permission to be yourself. 
You have permission to still be figuring things out.
You have permission to be free.
And even with me giving you permission, I am aware that these can be difficult things to explore, unpack, and sit with. You may have even gotten stuck and point or question one and that is okay. Sometimes that just means that we need another person on our team to help us walk through and navigate these treacherous waters. I would love to support and assist you with that.
If you’ve made it this far and you still have a lot of questions about who you are, let me support you in learning more.
The Worth, Wisdom and Wellness Center provides Trauma & EMDR therapy, Therapy for Perfectionism and Low Self-esteem, Therapy for Anxiety and Depression, and Faith-Based Therapy to Black women and Women of Color.
If you are located in the state of Georgia* and interested in starting your healing journey, you can follow any of the steps below.
- Contact us to schedule your first appointment and learn more about our services.
- Review our About Us page to learn more about our trauma trained providers.
- Review our FAQs page to learn more about therapy at our center.
We look forward to being a part of your healing journey.
Follow the Worth, Wisdom, and Wellness Center on IG @worthwisdomwellness
References:
McCluney, C. L., Durkee, M. I., Smith II, R. E., Robotham, K. J., & Lee, S. S. L. (2021). To be, or not to be… Black: The effects of racial codeswitching on perceived professionalism in the workplace. Journal of experimental social psychology, 97, 104199.